You know, I love how school teaches people so much. No, I do not just mean academically. The way it is modeled after society. You got the stereotypical cliches: preps, the so called gangstas (they deep inside how "ghetto" they really are besides the facade they throw in front of everybody in a day to day basis), the goths, the rocks, the losers, the nerds, and whatever else I'm leaving out. I am so sorry if I forgot your stereotypical cause its so important, not really. But from a psychological standpoint, it is nothing but an excuse for those who have nothing to stand together and find strength in numbers against oppressors of other..... lets say "interests." You got the so called friends, people who you usually meet that you are so called cool with but in reality is just setting up a relation with just in case you need help from each other. Once awhile you get some friends that really want to hang around you more cause you're you, they have the same interests as you, and you know what, even really care about you and want to see your well-being. I can't complain about the friendships that I have made in my life. It is true with my personality, I push away a lot of people. But usually the ones that matter, stay. I can not say I can measure how well I have lived my life with the number of good friends I have made but I can sure say that I have had some.
So back to the school convo. Everyday in school we are in an environment where we are forced to make decisions. Many of times we do not enjoy the choices that have been handed to us. But we take it anyways. Society makes it clear to us whether directly or indirectly that if we choose not to proceed with school we have failed at life. We usually see the consequences as those who are probably 30 and still work at mcdonald's or burger king bein bossed by someone who thinks they are the burger king. But consequences we don't see are the ones who can not face life's challenges with as much experience. In school, when finally old enough, we are able to engage in acts of mimicking adult life. For example relationships. How many of us know someone that married theyre high school sweetheart? Almost a 1-300 ratio. And if it happens, they usually end up gettin divorced between 3-5 years. Ladies and gentleman, I am sure I do not need to explain the reason for that. But a lot of you reading this blog right now I have to thank you for some way or another for contributing to my learning experience. I, without you am nothing, as you all without me are nothing. So here's my thanks to those important people of my life and one of my ways of giving it back.
Best for last. I would like to thank all the teachers, the good and bad ones I have had. Without you fine folk that decided to dedicate your lifes for low salary and deal wit bullshit from kids includin me that didnt even know what was good for them, I would not have learned the variety of subjects and their uses in this world and how to deal with those with authority over me. I would like to thank the useless people that have been existant in my life. You made no difference from the NPC's in those pc and console games I cherish so much. You walk around, sometimes provide useful gossip and information, and I guess remind me to try not to attempt to be selfish cause there are other people out besides me? I would like to thank the fake friends I have where we have used each other to survive longer in this world by doin each other favors (not necessarily sexual, but those females know who they are).
Now for the specific people in general. I guess I should start with Brandon Savage, thanks for showing me that there are ideas such as honesty and integrity. I originally learned they existed from ROTC. But I never got to see it in action until you ratted me out for the only mistake I will regret till the day I die to Michelle which I told you I would tell her myself and be responsible for it yet you chose to get between me and the only girl who has ever been able to show me what it means to be happy and most of all.... to love. I love how you did that to me, ended the best thing that god has ever given me, and not cared when I got mad. What I loved most was you feelin it was ok to cheat on your girl afterwards. I ain't even gonna mention the details of you gettin in the middle of me and Samantha.
Next person I'd like to thank is Courtney.You were an alright g/f. I guess what messed us up was timing and thats what I learned from you several times. I don't try to imagine bout what it could of been like between us if things played out differently, but I do admit that I have thought bout it a couple of times. No offense, but you were the one that showed me you could have some intelligence and completely retarded at the same time.
Lets see, I'd like to thank Andrius Sepe, you know I aint got nothin bad to say about you bro, you've been there for me for some of the worst times. You showed me how to have hope. I didnt care who else I had to watch my back in high school, all I know was I was glad I had you watchin over my shoulder no matter how outnumbered we were. You were the one that showed me there are those out there who are selfless when it comes to people they are close with. You were a friend sent from god himself.
I'd like to thank Samantha next. I would like to thank you for showing me what its like to be someone's trophy. To you, thats what I was. You wanted me from Michelle, as much as you deny it now, you know thats who my heart belonged to yet you got me anyways and threw me away like I was nothing afterwards. You were the one that showed me words dont mean shit. I loved how you kept leading me on and then tellin me we couldnt be together anymore. I loved how you flirted wit me at the movies when I was tryin to stay away from you cause I was wit friends and you were wit your faggoty b/f at the time. Best part of it was why you couldnt comprehend why I was mad. It was also you that showed me that this world was unfair. I loved how on one side you kept admittin to me that you know it was mostly your fault the relationship got messed up yet when that one time when we got in an argument online your friend jumped on your s/n and bitched me out and it seemed like you did a whole act of appealin to pity and she thinks I hurt you when you were the one that hurt me. I love how you got friends that jus think you're so innocent that they have to believe your story because you complain bout your physical problems 24/7 so you must be so harmless. Yet in this world I am the only one that defends myself. You were also the one that showed me the remarkable level of bullshit in our society. The first week we went out and we were in my room you threw me into my own bed yet when you do freaky shit like that you throw the biggest fit when someone calls you a slut. I also want to thank you how much I learned to appreciate how a relationship should be. I know for sure all relationships I am in from now that they are only about me and that girl only, not me, her, and everyone else around us. I learned this when you couldnt even keep your mouth shut to brandon when you wouldnt even let a small detail like your mother givin me a ride to my job escapin his knowledge. But whatever, whats done is done. Keep tellin everyone bullshit stories about me, they're your friends and I do not even have a say about their opinions even if I wanted to.You taught me that
I would like to thank Raul, whos been there and been more than jus a friend for favors. I know I ask a lot from you. But some of those favors, if it wasnt from you who else would I be able to get help from? In the last 7 monthes I think I learned the most from you. Duque once made me think you were someone that I should go through hell jus to get away from. And throughout high school all I heard of events that made me think you were the type of person that turned your back on friends, but in fact it was those people that turned their backs on you. When I see you and some of the shit you've gone through, I see myself. But a version lot stronger than me. I look up to you. You were the one that has taught me that I need to be more aware of my surroundings. Even I feel bad that sometimes I dont even have your trust, I dont lament it. Matter it fact you are someone who's footsteps I should follow to become a stronger person that I wish I was. I feel so tired from the bullshit of my life. I think this semester I would of almost collapsed at one point if it wasnt for that phone call I had wit you one night when I called you askin you bout certain shit and you told me I was the only one you knew that was tryin to make somethin of himself. To tell you the truth, sometimes I am afraid of you and I dont even know why.
Vanessa, I would like to thank you for remindin me I think religion is bullshit. I loved those conversations about religion where you spent hours tryin to make me understand that in the end that your faith is bullshit. What I know then and still do now is as they said in Kingdom of Heaven, what god desires is in your mind and your heart. What you choose to do everyday is what god judges you for. And that even those who try to change you might be people of greater power and authority of you that your soul is in your keeping alone, before god you can not say that "But I was told by others to do thus" or that virtue was not convenient at the time. I loved how your religion tells you not to sin yet you do it anywyas and say your excuse is that you are not perfect. I love how in your religion there are those who spend 1 day of the week bein god's perfect angels and the greatest sinners the rest of the days of the week. I loved how you used me to get closer to dan and throw me aside after I threw away my friendship wit him to do the right thing. Maybe you dont know this, but after that I doubted the fact I wanted to be a good person anymore. Bein good, havin a conscious.... I knew from the beginnin to be that kind of person that this world would not appreciate me for the person I was tryin to become. But the one thing that kept me goin to strive to be a good person was the fact that I would feel better for doin the right things. This time, you even took that from me. I've been back from college a week and been tryin to at least hang out wit you yet you havent made a single attempt to keep our friendship. You've spent everynight hangin wit the same people. You know, the one time you've answered my text, calls or IM's is when I said you were ignorin me. You didn't even have the decency to tell the truth. You make no different from Dan.
Dan, what can I say bro? You spat on our friendship after we've been friends, no like brothers for over 5-6 years. You and TJ taught me so much bout livin life. That its alright to neglect those who are closest to you jus to get laid. You both also told me by your actions that friendship means no different from politics.
Michelle, I love you for who you were. Thats what you showed me in life. To love people for who they were. To see people for the best of them and the worst, thats how you loved me and I'll never forget that cause I miss that too much. But I can honestly say that the person I will love till the day I die will be the person who you used to be. Not who you are now. I don't know who you are anymore. The girl I would of done anything jus to be wit, the girl I onced wanted to spend the rest of my life wit, the girl I once loved with all my heart had killed herself when she was cuttin herself. The person that recuperated from that is the you nowadays. Till this day I still think of every moment we have spent together, from the night I met you off Brandon and Stephi 3 years ago till the last time I saw you when I stole you from Baer a second time last Christmas I still remember every day of my life. With you I learned that god is more interested in runnin things his way rather than givin you what you want even when you are in so much pain without it. With you I even questioned his existence at times.
These are my thanx........Current Mood:  pissed off |
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Nov. 7th, 2005 @ 05:16 am
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I do not know what to say tonight. There are no words to describe how I feel. I do not know what to do anymore. I jus....... I am really tired. God... I do not even know what to say about him or even if what I am feeling is right. I feel it is never fair for me........ I'm jus so tired. Have I made the right decision? I would be lettin go of of yet another girl that I truly loved for the second time in my life. I guess its gettin easier and easier, after Michelle I guess it would only be apparent that it would be easier and easier to let go. What am I sayin, its not like I have a choice. There are things in life where no matter how hard you fight for it will never be yours. You have only god to blame if not yourself. I know I blame him for so much. But then again theres so much I can do by myself that I can depend only on myself for. I've never expected much out of him, only thing I can ask is for him not try and stop me and make things harder they have been for me. Isn't that fair? I felt so much like crying today. But I jus couldn't. All I can do is jus be depressed...... since its so late maybe I can jus cry myself to sleep and no one will know. I have no idea what I want or will do. Am I wrong for blaming god? I jus dont know..... Oh well, the end of my journal tonight. |
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Oct. 11th, 2005 @ 03:17 am
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Live and learn, thats what life is about. I contemplate the purpose of that. What is the purpose of life? Sometimes to me it is very unclear. I think about it every night as I lay in my bed before I fall asleep. I don't even know the purpose of what I am saying right now nor why I am saying it. I guess I should go to sleep. A pointless post.... |
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Sep. 26th, 2005 @ 07:05 am
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Recently I have thought of the past so much and its to the point it hurts so much when I think of it. But I can not stop myself from thinking back to those times where I had a true meaning to living life. The famous quote to Moulin Rouge "The greatest thing you'll ever learn to love and be loved in return." It was the greatest thing I ever learned.... at a very high price. I still remember the last time Samantha asked me what is was that I want. I have always known the true answer to that question deep inside. I want the one thing I can not have. I am afraid to say this, but for this, I don't know how I could ever forgive god. We've had several discussions in philosphy about god, and without vanessa talkin to me and makin things better like she did over the summer, internally I jus can't see a path in my faith in the higher power. We always hear about the fight between god and lucifer, the bet is the souls of everyone. I do not want to be apart of it. Vanessa always tells me of the free will we have been given to us. That we have been given the choice to either do good or do evil. Thats the one thing I don't ever have anythin to say against when we used to argue bout god. But tonight... well this morning, this very moment, all that doesn't matter to me. I know everyone has told me to just let go. But I can't. It isnt one of those things you can just let go. I miss Michelle too much. God damn it, the memories from my head, they're at least 3-4 years old. I jus can't stop thinking about them. That one random summer night where I was asked to go to the movies wit a friend turned out to be the one night I'll have memories for for the rest of my life.
My one wish I have is not for things to move on faster, not for everything to be back to the way it was, nor for another chance to change things to prevent fate from happening the way that they did. My one wish............ is to live it all over again. The relationship we had is more special than anything I know in existance. We were kids in love. Of all the shit I've seen in my life, nothing could ever be more real than that. Nothing is as true as love can be when its at its peak. I miss every one of those moments I've ever had with her. Drinking doesn't seem to do the trick, smoking I've been doin a lot more lately and still it doesnt mean a damn thing, whats sad is games dont even help me as much as they used to. I've kicked sam out of my life again. This time I am regretting that I didn't take her offer for friendship. I feel so alone up here, I really wish I had someone that I knew that would put me above themselves just to care bout me and listen to the things I want to say. Im up here by myself, and its a lot more lonely than I wanted it to be. I jus...... I dont know, sometimes she says things that really piss me off that make me want to brush her off. But I honestly wouldnt even know where to start. We were never really friends as much as she wants to believe. We met, we talked and then we went out. And another piece of honesty, if it had happened the way she really wanted it to, wit the friends first idea, I strongly doubt we ever would of made it to bein a couple much less the bed. We really didn't have as much as we thought in common. I look back to my relationship wit Samantha and all I see is jus the times we've had of physical attraction. We were two completely different people whether our background or interests. She was a girl thats never got it the hard way in my opinion. Her parents were always able to support her financially. While mine...... I remember there were nights in my younger years where they struggled to even put food on the table under a roof that wasn't even ours. And for interest..... she never even listened to music when we went out, and now she's grown a fond of country music, the one type of music shes always known I've hated. Her idea of human interaction....... she keeps to herself of what she thinks of other people while I'm not afraid to speak my mind. What really brought us together to be a couple? I've always kinda wondered that, and this mornin I think I have the answer. Her jealousy of what I had wit michelle, and me needin a rebound from michelle. Plain and simple.
But I dont even know what to say right now. If for once a man could be saved by a girl, it is samantha i need in shining armor. But not I doubt she'd answer for my call to help. Not every story in life has a fairytale ending, especially in my life. At the moment of the accident I really thought it was it for me and after I kinda wish it was. It would of been a clean death, it wouldn't have been a suicide. But it would of been an excuse to die. I'm really tired, I just really am. All the drama that goes on, how people are, Im jus tired of it all. Yet I still pursue this so called better future. *sigh* good mornin to another day...... peace be wit us all, better get some shut eye before goin to class, humm.... I used to go to high school at this time........Current Music: papa roach - scars |
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It's my third day here in Jacksonville. So much has been different then as I expected. Of course things happened much more differently in my head. It has been a bit hectic here this first week. But nevertheless. I have found a bit of inner peace. I have met new friends and already we've all been acting like we've been best friends for so long. I feel so free being here. All choices I make are made by me without any sort of outside influence. There hasn't been any type of drama yet, and I hope it stays that way. All of us jus want it to be a happy year. I got into an accident yesturday night..... my baby, the car I finally got after wanted it for two years, has been totalled. It's sittin in the parking lot of my dorm. I have no idea what I'm going to do. But I jus didn't seem to care after the accident happened for some reason. I'm in some pain, but.... I don't know. Even though I've found it to be a calm environment here, and it has brought me some peace, I feel like a lost soul. I miss home even wit all it's bullshit. But I guess it'll jus be somethin I have to jus get used to. I'm not gonna say much, but I just wanted to get some of the things out of my system tonight. I love my dorm so much, I haven't had time to really enjoy it or appreciate it as much as I should, just like my del sol. But maybe when things slow back down here I'll just sit in the lobby just to be here and be glad about it. I might feel really lost, I'm so...... I don't even know how to describe it. I've just felt so happy. My roommate, Chris, is this really awesome guy that tries to invite me to everything with his friends so I don't feel left out, and I really like that and appreciate it, more than he probably knows. His friend's have mostly become my friends too. Helen has been a pretty cool chic to hang wit, Bethany is an awesome chic that always comes over to our room to chill and we hope to convince her to stay with us next year too, Kari... well Kari is a special case. I always thought she didn't like me or something, but from what I find out from everywhere is that that is just the way she is. I'm gonna keep trying to make friends wit her, but I've never really been good at that. Anyways I'm off to sleep |
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It's been awhile since I've written in this journal. LOL.... I have a shitload of entries where I start off like this. Anyways, I felt like writin tonight for some reason. Again like other entries Ive sauid that so much has happened since then. Brandon and I are officially not friends anymore, after all the distrust, all the tension, etc. we're better off not being friends anymore and it's for the best. I still need to get my stuff back from him though. Walker said he'd help me out. Another friend I've stopped bein friends wit is...... my brother. A 6-year friendship ended over a girl, veve. We both liked her, but I stepped aside so he could be wit her. And before they went out I made him promise to not hurt her or anything, I even told him the consequences of cheatin on her would mean the end of our friendship. He did it anyways, the moment he even considered goin on a date wit anabel he had spat on what he had wit a girl that would of been so loyal to him, he spat on what I had done for him, and most importantly, he had spat on our friendship. Yeah, I did have feelings for veve, i think she is one of the best girls a guy could have. She's loyal, she's attractive, she's faithful, intelligent (in certain aspects), and cheerful. After what Samantha had put me through, I judge a girl for everythin bout her from looks to personality. I was jealous of dan, but there was no way I'd throw away my friendship wit my best friend for years who had helped me through so much over jealousy. But he was wrong to have cheated on her, and he wouldn't have told her that he did, he's too good at playin the good guy act. I had to tell veve, it was the right thing, and to me nowadays doin the right things mean the most, and I had such lack of proof that dan did...... but why did she believe me, cause she knew dan as well...... she had hoped he had changed after all these years but he hadn't. Me and veve have become a lot better friends this summer, she had shown me so much from a perspective I've never looked at before. I've been less angry because I've learned to forgive. I used to live by the motto never forget, never forgive. I still do get angry, thats somethin I can't deny. But I only get angry when people are unfair or do the stupidest shit. Fair enough? College is finally comin, I've waited for it all my life, and it makes me more anxious now especially when I have no hope left for coral springs. 4 more days before I leave. Dealin wit these rude ass people for the last 13 years made me basically rude myself, but Raul and Veve have been teachin me so much bout manners and respect. I can honestly say that I was half the person I am now back then. And these lessons I've learned would serve me well in Jacksonville. Even though a part of me wishes today was Tuesday night, well Wednesday mornin technically..... and I'd be on my merry way already and not look back wit how badly I want to be there, but a part of me keeps bein reminiscent of what I'll be leavin behind here. My parents I'll miss, whether the constant naggin of my mother that sets me straight, or my dad bein an asshole while under carin so much bout me. I'll miss the town and some of the things that are part of it whether its the bookstore where I've worked for 10 monthes even wit its bullshit wit coworkers, the McDonald's I grew up eattin in where my mom used to always take me to afterschool back when I was in elementary school, the small ass mall that I've been to since as long as I've been in coral springs, the movie theatres where I had the worst and best times wit friends or g/f's. And most of all, I keep turnin back and thinkin bout Michelle. Veve has been so frustrated in her unsuccessful attempts to talk me away from thinkin bout her. I love michelle wit all my heart, I kept lyin to myself for almost two years now..... I'm not jus in love wit the memories of the times I had wit her, I'm not jus in love wit the old her when we used to be together...... I love her.... everythin bout her. It hurts so much that I have to see her wit someone else that could never love her as much as I could, but I rejoice in the fact that it seems that she's happy. And to me...... it means more than anything. I shed my first tear for her....... it might be a weird analogy, but to a guy his first tear is like the equivalent to a girl's virginity because after its happened already for the first time, all the other times won't matter. She once asked me if I really still wished I was still 16 and she was 14....... I really did..... I'd be willin to spend eternity like that. I want her back so much. I've always been a hopeless romantic... I live for the nights I'll always remember and those special people I'll never forget. Veve keeps tellin me that god gives us what our heart truly wants, that he can only direct us towards the right direction if we wish to follow it. For once, if he could jus hear me, what I want is to be wit Michelle again, if he loves me like veve says, let me for once make my own destiny and be happy wit the people I want to be happy wit, not who he thinks I would be happy wit. I'm stayin up right now writin this journal and cryin.... tears rollin down my eyes and each one that does it makes it feel so much better. I jus.... I jus want to hold her one last time. Why does it have to be so unfair? Jus why? I could hate god wit all my heart right now but it wouldn't do me any good.... it wouldn't bring her back into my arms.... I jus want to give up.... I'm so tired........ I want her back too much..... it feels like it has swallowed me all over because of it......
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. Corinthians 13: 4-8
Aug. 13th, 2005 @ 04:47 am
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Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. Corinthians 13: 4-8
Jus some words I want to live by
Jun. 23rd, 2005 @ 05:27 pm
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had a little spare time today so i posted pics up, they include pics from the last day of school, ana, grad night, and graduation
http://pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/aznpapi4lyf/album?.dir=72a8&.src=ph&store=&prodid=&.done=http%3a//pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/aznpapi4lyf/my_photos
oh vanessa, if you're readin this, it has the pic that we took together
Jun. 22nd, 2005 @ 05:29 pm
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Sigmund Freud once made the breakthrough discovery of psychology for the century becoming the father of modern day psychoanalysis and one of the first people for as long as civilization existed to explore our minds. What does this have to do wit what I'd like to vent in this entry tonight? Almost everything........ I still dont understand myself. But most of all, I don't understand how to survive in this world. The day that jus ended two hours ago was marked by so much confusion, so much frustration, so much anger, and so much hate. I dont have much real friends left, probably Dan and Brandon are really all thats left in my life. Brandon hasnt been able to go out much cause of his back surgery. Ive been visitin him alot, I have nothin else to do. We had plans to go see a movie wit dan, but then Samantha called and decided she wanted to visit, I dont know how her and brandon talked and lead to her comin to the movies wit us. So I was like "ok, fine, Im supposed to be a better person now and I kinda wanted to see her anyways." Then she decided to bring her b/f, Im guessin its her way to show me up sayin to me "Im wit someone better now." So then I got aggravated, this is the girl that tortured me after I was tortured by Michelle. I jus kept thinkin to myself, "fine, bring the fucker and ill jus take it like a man." At this point I was jus aggravated, and she kept askin me if it was ok wit me. Well I would of been a lot better if you didnt have to keep rubbin it in wit that question. And she made brandon give me the phone to keep askin me that and afterwards after im like "yes im fuckin alright wit it" she goes "well let me make sure if its alright wit him"........ I wonder so hard at this point at why life is so hard for me, this girl never gave a damn bout how i felt in everythin she did when we went out yet shes gotta make sure its alright wit this other fuck, and juli tells me i take everythin too hard, how am i not supposed to take things hard when in every situation its never fair for me, for every damn thing i do, its also harder, that i have to fight harder, and dan tells me i hang onto things too hard, well dan, bro, maybes thats because if i dont hold on harder i would never have anythin to hold onto ever...... but its alright, as much as these things hurt me, im used to bein hurt, everybody thinks "hey, lets put it all on sai, hes not important enough for us to care bout him", but hey as if it wasnt enough for her to ask me a million times if it was alright to bring her b/f, she decided she wanted to bring her brother too, what the fuck is this supposed to mean, its not like she doesnt know that i knew that shit she pulled wit ryan faerman, was this her way of tellin me i better not try anythin? she ended up not bringin him, but in a way i kind of wish she did, i wouldnt mind goin at it wit her brother for that shit he was sayin before to me on the phone, i was almost lookin for any excuse to fight anyone of these guys close to samantha, i lost michelle once before and the pain hurt so much.... i wanted to cry....... now wit samantha, she was different, she hurt me on purpose so many times yet i couldnt hit a girl, especially since it was her, but hurtin either of these guys i would have no moral regret for, and in fact would be enough to hurt her and maybe relieve me of this pain i carry in my heart from day to day.... it hurts so much to be left out, and it hurts even more that its done by someone you actually had feelins for but to them it meant nothin, a dust or fragment fallin on their shoulder that they could brush off like it was nothin..... i dont know if brandon could tell or not, or maybe if he even cared, but i was pushin myself to make this work as much as it hurts, and it jus hurt so much......... my heart sank tonight from the weight i had put on it as my blood was boilin from the pressure that the anger had flooded in.... and then samantha kept callin and callin askin the stupidest questions, should we jus go in first or do you want us to wait for you, this girl is in college academy yet i feel like i have no brain left in me? she cant make up her own fuckin decisions? what is she a retard? i brung joel as a hope of someone i could turn to jus in case brandon wanted to stay and hang wit sam and her new douche while it became unbearable to me, surely enough it came true when i set my eyes on that faggot for the first time..... the douche bag looked like a white wannabe version of tiger woods, that very second my eyes burned in rage, i had to walk away, but samantha had to begin her introductions, as ill-mannered as im turnin there was still some sign of decentcy left in me to attempt not to be disrespectful, she introduced whatever the whiteboy's name is to brandon, and then she introduced us, i mean seriously, what was she expectin? "hi, im sai, nice to finally fuckin meet you, you fuckin sloppy second lovin fuck face" or maybe "hey, nice chin, want me to fix it for you?" i walked away witout sayin anythin, joel was still in the line gettin tickets so i looked for my next excuse to walk away... to see how amber was doin buyin her popcorn, at this moment i felt so pathetic, i questioned why i even went tonight..... we were about to go into the theatre when the new lover boy tries to pull the courtesy of holdin the door open for all of us.... i didt kno if i should laugh or get mad.... its like "wow, buddy thanx, but i think in this lifetime you've already done enough by takin my second love away from me, but thats alright jus cause you wanted me to change how i feel for you cause you wanted to suck up to me and my friends tonight?" but thats alright, i tried to ignore that too..... joel, amber and i tried to have some fun, it was good for me considerin i needed an excuse to try and extinguish the fire burnin inside of me, amber was throwin popcorn at joel and in exchange the crossfire was returned by change from joel and his friend's pockets, there were a couple of racist remarks bout jews and change.... and surprisingly it was by joel's friend and not me, but this first moment of leisure in the air of the night was quickly killed when samantha thought it was funny to throw popcorn at me like she didnt kno i didnt need her shit..... i wanted to see her so much before.... but alone..... i guess i wanted to make sure everythin was over between us....... but what she did tonight only angered me............. i had to smoke after i got out of the theatre, brandon's like "i thought you said you quit" no, what i had told brandon before was that i stopped, and given light to the current situation buddy, i desperately needed that smoke, i didnt give a shit for brandon's back on the way home, i was way too pissed.... i jus wanted to drop him off as soon as possible and go over dan's and chill..... what pissed me off was when our whole family (his family which they incorporate me as one of them) was in the backyard chillin dan told me if we went to sawgrass tonight we could of been wit some hot latinas..... that pissed me off to no end.... i was like "you mean instead of takin the bullshit i had to take tonight, we probably couldve both gotten laid?" but whatever..... i wanted to go through that shit, i wanted ... wait, no, i had to see what i got passed up for... and let me tell you, i got passed up for a complete douche bag... but i also wonder, does it make me a worser person for bein hateful and jealous out of love? or does that totally count as a different subject?
i dont know why i still want to be a good person, theres an old sayin "nice guys finish last"...... i guess the only good from bein a good person is that you get the reward of bein a good person...... today when i got my check cashed (yes, my job lets me cash my check there and then) athena gave me an extra twenty...... i could of jus kept it, i mean hey, while owin 2 grand to my mother and havin no money to start college like some of those rich fuckin spoiled jews that i know, but i chose not to, i shoved athena's mistake that could of cost lynn her job since she cashed my check on lynn's till back into athena's face. even till this very moment i still wonder why i didnt keep it...... bein a person wit morals and integrity is hard....... but i kno deep inside im better for it........ only problem is that this anger of mine would get the best of me
Jun. 18th, 2005 @ 01:02 am
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| » (No Subject) |
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Last night was my graduation..... its interestin how our emotions can come and go. How they can sometimes come up when you least want them to or they jus go wit the flow of how we want ourselves to feel. Before the actual moment of steppin into Office Depot Center, I was emotionaless. Graduation was the final step to take to end this painful chapter in my life. I have successfully completed high school, but only at what seems to be too great of a price. But nevertheless I have finished. As time passes by me... I hope I can reach out and grab before its too late. I have not much to pray for........ but a part of me wishes to see Michelle and Samantha one last time before I go and will never have a chance ever again. I dont think even if I had god on my side that it would be possible this time....
-"If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were."
I should have remembered this quote...........
Jun. 1st, 2005 @ 02:41 pm
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| » Angels and Demons |
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Theres been some thoughts goin through my head. Ancient societies used to think all thoughts innocent. That each and every single thought is conjured by our angels and demons. Wit religious references of course. We all have thoughts, but when civilization developed and science annihilates religion, we come to realize that it is our conscious and the angels and demons that onces was believed to have existed within us are merely evolved into literary figures. Nevertheless, in ever situation and every occurence in our life we are always still haunted by such inner demons and blessed by the angels in our hearts. Tuesday is my graduation, an event in my life where many of those... "demons" which have caused me so much grief in my life will finally rest. Too much has gone on in my life this past year as it still does even as I inch through every second waitin to be relieved of a portion of the sorrows in my heart. I've made it a resolution in my life to start over and turn over a new leaf as I've heard this popular metaphor nowadays. I've failed in many attempts in my life to do the things I want to do. Sometimes the reasons were me procrastinatin too much, losin focus, not really carin, or to the fact that the goal I had set up for myself was frankly too much for me to handle. But the event of goin up to Jacksonville..... in my perspective is maybe my last chance of redemption. A place where almost no one will know me, a clean slate. I would be able to use all the experiences and all the knowledge I've gained in my life and save myself from relivin past mistakes.
One thing that does trouble me about such a chance to live life properly is that, will I be able to since I haven't fully let go of the things here where I've been exposed to so much pain and so much suffering? I made myself forget Michelle, in respect to my spiritual whole, that made no difference from as if I ripped out a part, a limb, or any such vital organ in my body. But its still a fact that I have to live wit and a pain I will always have to carry as if I was handicapped. Samantha has told me she has forgiven me. I have to admit it was still painful askin for a forgiveness for somethin I feel that I'm not entirely in fault for. When I looked into her profile I saw pictures for her prom. From there it hurt so much. I was jealous. I was jealous that again others have found happiness from my torment, from my loss. A prom and a homecoming where I should have been happy wit her, was stolen by an individual that she let steal. The world is not fair, I've become to accept that. But not because I like it for the way it is, but for the fact it is reality and the law of natural selection demands that if I wish to survive in the world, I must adapt to it. As depressin as it is, so shall it be that this reality will become a part of me. I embrace it not, I wish not to commit the suicide of my morals. Before I made the grave mistake of believin that the more evil the world is, the more I should be wit it to live. But no, good is stronger than evil, I've always been infatuated wit the idea that one lone hero can take on an army of evil. So it is, so shall it be that way for me. I will stand for who I am in front of all those who look down on me.
As when I saw into those pictures I almost cried. But it made me stronger at the same time. I will improve myself to be a better person for every aspect of possibility that I lost her to this...... random schmuck. If it is because of looks then I will work hard to be in better shape. If it is because he has more money then I will let my determination guide me to overcome my financial instability. If its because he has a better car then......... well guess what, I already got a great one and I will make it a lot better. If it is his personality..... then this anger she has relinguished inside me shall drive me to no end. I'm supposed to let her go, but to me this has become somethin more. Our past relationship, her.... they've become a symbol of how this society has stepped on me over and over again.
This society... literally. I remember two nights ago I saw my friend Lee at the movie theatre, I ended up hangin out wit him later that night after I saw a movie wit Jill. We stopped at a gas station and we saw his sister... and her friends. Among them were the snobbiest bitches of my school. Carla Ferris quickly walked to my side of the car and said to me in the exact words "What are you doin hangin wit Lee, he's way to cool for you." Rachel Bolber and her fat ton ass said somethin I couldnt make out. That pissed me off to no end, I blocked off what the other preps were sayin. But I knew every single one of them. Not a single one of them were less than rich spoiled little brats that were witout doubt "daddy's little girls." I will not forget that moment for the rest of my life. After we hung out wit Vanessa at steak and shake. Lee was surprised to see how beautiful she was and much less that I used to go out wit her. But each time I see Vanessa I think of the mistakes in my life. She herself basically represents the mistakes in my life. To think how great she is, a great girl that does not only have an attractive personality, but also physically attractive. I let that go. If I hadnt there would have been so much possibilties of happiness for me. She was basically really my first real g/f. I know she's the type of girl that would never cheat, would always stay faithful to her man. A religious girl that is abstinent, saving herself for marriage, definitely not a slut, hoe, or any of those other types of descriptions. We've talked so much before, we've had conversations which I'm sure she believed that I didn't pay attention to her for, I remember her tellin me bout how she is the old fashioned type of girl where she can never ask a guy out, how she wants to be treated and everything. It tells me she is the type of girl that wants a romantic type of guy. I've always wanted a relationship thats romantic and serious. We would have been the perfect match 5 years ago and things would of worked out perfectly for us if I hadnt been so stupid, me bein the guy that romanticizes a girl, and her bein the type of girl that is waitin for such a moment of love. I rememeber on valentines I had went through hell that day to get the bouqet for roses, the card, and drivin up there jus to be hurt and be given the realization that she had no wanted to see me that day because she wanted to see some other guy, and the exact moment i left the stuff outside her house, she was kissin some other guy, seducin him and never ever lettin him know that i was the one in her heart, if what she had told me was even true. A part of me wants to jus fuck up the guy she is wit now, she let the consequences onto him when she let him have her in bed. But no, as much as these demons stir the echoes and their voices tell me inside my head i should, my heart tells me whats done is done and there should be no regret. Things happen for a reason and wit the way that things did play out, it was for the best I let this girl go. In that sense even though she is too prideful to apologize, I have forgiven her.
Durin a part of last night, i hung out wit savage and amber. We watched episode 6 of star wars. I was amazed by how the distinction of comparisons hes made from the world of star wars to reality. The satire he uses, the mere good and evil, jedi and sith. He had defined all the pure thoughts and how to live life as a good person as the jedi. And then the sith represents the side in everyone in their nature. Anger, hatred, greed, jealousy. The star wars saga you will see is very parallel in life, in a point or event the bad will destroy almost all of the good, but eventually the little good you have inside should revive and take on all the evil. I was kiddin last night and I was like "i want to be a jedi, i want to have those powers, those morals that they live by, and a lightsaber." savage goes "no, you're more of a sith." I was a bit angry at this, not the fact that it wasnt true, i mean maybe it is, but its the fact that he has no right to judge. He has the repuation for doin whats right, well at least he had that a long time ago, but lately he makes no difference from me. Sweet talkin nikki on one side and tellin her theyre still goin out yet askin out Amanda on the other. He has no right to judge me, matter of fact, he has no right to have done what he did to me when it came to michelle back then. But whats done is done, I rather release my anger in this journal and forget bout it rather then livin wit the pain of thoughts every single day. My demons slowly perish.......
May. 29th, 2005 @ 02:58 pm
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| » Extra Tickets |
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Oh by the way, I have a shit load of graduation tickets if anyone needs them. If I get along wit you, jus ask and I'll spare some. If I dont like you I might jus consider chargin you a couple bucks for them. Ignorant lady in the office that kept my cap and gown because of obligations accidentally gave me an extra set of tickets. I only need 5 and I already gave one away to my friend, Nicole. So that leaves like 8 tickets that I can give out. You all know how to reach me if you need the tickets.
May. 29th, 2005 @ 02:43 pm
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| » (This song hits directly at the heart) Mariah Carey - We Belong Together |
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I didn't mean it
When I said I didn't love you so
I should have held on tight
I never should've let you go
I didn't know nothing
I was stupid
I was foolish
I was lying to myself
I couldn't have fathomed that I would ever
Be without your love
Never imagined I'd be
Sitting here beside myself
'Cause I didn't know you
'Cause I didn't know me
But I thought I knew everything
I never felt
The feeling that I'm feeling
Now that I don't
Hear your voice
Or have your touch and kiss your lips
Cause I don't have a choice
Oh, what I wouldn't give
To have you lying by my side
Right here, 'cause baby
[Chorus:]
When you left
I lost a part of me
It's still so hard to believe
Come back baby please
We belong together
Who else am I gonna lean on
When times get rough
Who's gonna talk to me on the phone
Till the sun comes up
Who's gonna take your place
There ain't nobody better
We belong together
I can't sleep at night
When you are on my mind
Bobby Womack's on the radio
Singing to me
'If you think you're lonely now'
Wait a minute
This is too deep, too deep
I gotta change the station
So I turn the dial
Trying to catch a break
And then I hear Babyface
I only think of you
And it's breaking my heart
I'm trying to keep it together
But I'm falling apart
I'm feeling all out of my element
I'm throwing things
Crying
Trying to figure out
Where the hell I went wrong
The pain reflected in this song
Ain't even half of what
I'm feeling inside
I need you
Need you back in my life baby
[Chorus]
[Repeat chorus]
When you left
I lost a part of me
It's still so hard to believe
Come back baby please
We belong together
Who else am I gonna lean on
When times get rough
Who's gonna talk to me
Till the sun comes up
Who's gonna take your place
There ain't nobody better
We belong together
May. 28th, 2005 @ 08:54 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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So yeah.... tonight was pretty...... slow. I went to school to try and pay off my obligations, Thornsgard is a lazy bitch, lol, I have to pay it tommorow.... early in the mornin. Anyways, afterwards I went to my fourth hour to say farewell to a couple of my boys, lol. Went to the asian club meetin, I swear to god, the position of president should never be associated wit a prep, especially a vietnamese one... to get attention she wanted to stand on a desk when she has a short ass skirt on and when she knows no one is payin attention to her she screams out "nobody better not look up my skirt" of course she got what deserves for tryin to seek attention and zeifei decided to try and push her off balance.... anyways, sunday is gonna be awesome, paintball in the mornin, sushi restaurant at night wit the asian club, and then party at late night wit donnie...... anywyas, back to tonight..... i got called into work because of what happened to mike, i swear to god that message genevieve left on my phone last night when i was watchin mindhunters wit naomi has got to be the most attention attractin one ive ever heard "hi sai, its gen from barnes and nobles, please call me back when you get this message cause mike got ran over by the UPS truck and we need someone to come in tommorow mornin" wow, out of all the bullshit excuses ive ever heard coworkers not comin in, i believe thats the funniest one ive ever heard. Anyways, durin work I was talkin to a shit load of people on text messages from my work which might i add is like one of the greatest things since sliced bread, and another thing id like to say is tonight was the worse bullshit shift ive ever had in my whole entire career as a cafe server. Anyways, I was supposed to have a crap load of people I was supposed to choose to chill wit after work, which i would of chosen jill most likely, and then near the end of my shift, everyone says they cant do anythin anymore, this sucked great monkey testicles. I ended up stoppin by raul's house. bravo is currently livin there, he's back from the marines. I aint even mad at him no more from the michelle thing, i guess i finally have let go of all that. anyways, afterwards i went to walmart. I keep hopin that they have the add-on for the original sims called House Party. Can you believe it, I have all of the addons finally, except that one and you can only get it in one of the double packs which includes another addon that I already have. There's no way I'm wastin $20 on that. There has to be another way I can get it. It jus pisses me off cause thats the last one I need. Oh well anyways, went to mickey d's afterwards to gran some grub cause i was hungry as hell. I left the sound system on while I ate and that was the dumbest mistake Ive made in awhie. Battery died and I was so disappointed. Then Tamara Evans came to the rescue. By far she has to be like the best female girl I've ever met. Bein one of the very females that I can ever be intimidated by and also one of those people I look up to as a role model. I'm definitely gonna try and hang wit her more often this summer. Anyways, goin to sleep since I got senior breakfast tommorow.
May. 27th, 2005 @ 03:00 am
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| » (No Subject) |
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Finally finished wit high school. Went to see MindHunder last night wit Naomi, it was a great psychological thriller. After went to towers wit Raul, Bravo, Duque, Sean, and Mei Ling. I have a lot of work that has to be done to my car if I want to take anybody on. I power slided on the way there and that scared the shit out of me. I don't kno bout the whole makin my car fast thing, I would rather make it look good instead. But Raul suggested against it. I dont know whatever, I hope this summer plays itself out for the best. Oh well, short entry. -Peace
May. 26th, 2005 @ 08:57 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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Yesturday was either one of those regular horrible days or a test to see how determined I am to live my life as the better person I used to be. I miss the person I used to be years ago, I really do. I didn't have so much anger in me. But I have survived so much because of it. I jus believe its time to change though. Michelle has made such as impact on my life, good and bad. I can't blame her for everythin, but she is at fault someway or another. I tried apologizin to Samantha yesturday, but I guess it was as expected that she wouldn't take it too well. I jus really wish she would have forgiven me, but it was hope against hope. Oh well, gotta go
May. 21st, 2005 @ 12:17 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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Im finally reaching the closin of a chapter in my life and each moment I have to wait for it to come is a torture, one which tries my very patience. It's been one of roughest I have endured, but I'm inchin my way through. Lately it's been a rollercoaster of drama in my life. I'm still tryin so hard to repair my social life, a stick figure building that took almost little to no effort to destroy. I've sold the civic hatchback already. And wit much thanks, I very much enjoy my new car, the one I worked so hard to possess. It has been nothin bout what I have hoped for. I jus hope nothin else goes wrong and lets me have it steady with that. My love life... wow...... I've thought of so much lately. I know I've done so much wrong, so much I wish I can be forgiven for, and I know very much there is so much I cant take back or get a second chance for. Yet it is still so unfair..... we never really have enough time for decisions for the choices that life present to us. I jus wonder so much on so many occasions how different things would be if I had gotten a chance to re-do the things that have happened. Would I still make the same decisions and carry out the same actions knowin of the consequences of the original event? I wonder so much, I think bout it so much because for so many things I can't forgive myself for. I realize that I keep tryin to find the answer in the past. Is what I seek lyin only up ahead?
Whats done wit michelle is done, as i look back to everythin thats happened, from every decision made to every breathe made together, whats gone is gone and that everything always happen for the best, i wish so much that things would of turned out different, but that wont. The mistake I made was realizin this too late, after now I've even lost samantha. I've been so mad on how things played out. And from that I made things ever worst, I blinded myself by the hate I had toward myself for lettin myself lose so much by blamin it on Samantha herself and then even everyone else.
Its near the end and after all the mistakes I made where I finally realize that I need to start lettin go. Thats the person I've been most of my life, too stubborn to let go of things. Events from critical to unsubstantial have made almost every scar in my heart, makin me the person I am. But this time in my life, I am about to cross the biggest threshold I'll ever come through. I cant live my life in college the way Ive been livin in high school. I don't want to be that person anymore and I don't want to continue my life bein so unhappy, I don't deserve to be like that nor do the people who are around me deserve takin me as that person. I think after all thats happened the only person I really should be sorry to is Samantha. But I think wit all those bullshit apologies from before and all that I've done to her, it probably didn't matter to her a singler word that I can or will say to her anymore. I guess my apology only lies left in my heart and it will be the reminder of the person I want to be from now on.
PS: Prom was great, grad night was great, I need to find ways to have fun like that again.
May. 18th, 2005 @ 09:44 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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I dont know what Im gonna do anymore. And yet again in my life I feel I have lost the sense to feel and touch. I have no regard for whats right and whats wrong. They are merely words. Their definitions merely an inprint on my soul, fading away as if it had never even made an existin impression. This is my 18th year of living. Every year of my conscious life I have looked forward to this year, this very one year. It had been my hopes for better changes, but it hasn't been anything but another disappointment wit an extra kick in the ass. I have lost Michelle, part of me has accepted that, yet the other half still tries to torture me. I lost her before I had even come back to this school two years ago before the start of my junior year. It was the week before school was bout to start again. The summer of depression as I'll call it. Nothing but wanderin everyday to do things to keep my mind off her only to be dissatisfied of the situation. But that week was when I stole her back from Chris, the guy Brandon and Stephi decided to choose for her. That Tuesday night I started out at a party at this girl Vicky's house, a girl from the asian group I hung out wit that summer that was the only one that would start straight on confrontations wit me. I left the party early soI can go see Michelle. That night made me so happy, and so did the Friday following it. Our last double date wit Brandon and Stephi. We went to the park near where I used to live. Somethin went wrong today that caused the decline of whatever I had left wit Michelle, and soon after as I had sensed, the relationship was fallin apart yet again.
I think in my life the most incredible, yet outrageous, thing I have done was switch schools for a girl. That girl was Michelle obviously. Yet as much as the situation pisses me off, I have no remorse for it. I stood up for what I believed in and went after what I wanted. Yet it was too late, everything had already changed. If I was takin back to that one moment when I decided to switch schools, I still would executed the same decision. If life is not about pursueing the things you want and fightin for the things in which you believe in, what other purposes is there to live for. But I still am a failure. I falied to see people for who they really are until its too late, people such as Seth. They'd tell you they were your friend one moment and then the next they could flirt wit your girl and do everythin jus to win them and screw you over. Yet what hurt the most was the day I broke up wit michelle because I knew Seth is tryin to get wit her in which he had admitted and she told me she didnt believe me. I had refused to acknowledge her existence until half a year later, I had found out she was cuttin herself on purpose. Nothin can top the pain you'll get when you know the person you love the most is hurtin themselves, there is absolutely nothing, not even if they did things to hurt you intentionally. I did what I had to and I reported it to a counselor. Her so called friends....... not even Brandon did anythin bout it except talk to her. Some even encouraged her, yet everyone got mad at me when the only real, yet effective way to end it was that. Which is another thing that makes livin so hard, when you try to do the right thing that other people try to put you down for it. Eventually for that Michelle and I had not talked for a long while after, it hurt so much. At this very time in my life though, Brandon and I had finally met Samantha, a girl that Michelle's brother had tried so hard to get but would never get a chance wit. After a month or two, I started to have somethin between Samantha and I.
I start to discover that to Samantha I was nothing but probably a trophy. To see if she can have me from the hands of michelle cause she's heard so much about the things that happened between us. And for me in exchange, I eventually begin learnin she is nothin to me but a disappointment. I went in a couple of bullshit relationships in between Samantha and Michelle, but Samantha was the first girl that could win my heart.... and then throw it away. I've learned much in my experience.
I originally wanted to write this entry wit a good purpose. But yet again my rage has gotten the better of me. The story of the things that has happened was the shortest possible version Ive ever given of it.
Anyways, on a good note, yesturday I finally got the car I've wanted for two years: Honda Del Sol. It's a great car, I just hope it works out better then the other car, which I'm selling at a big loss. But anywyas, I won't be able to enjoy my new car until I get things takin care of on both of them. On the good note I still have two more things I want in mind, a relatioship wit a great girl, and college. Hopefully things start to work out better. I mean I'm rantin tonight, and I still realize I have too much anger lying inside me. But I think what I realized my main problem that cuases this..... I don't ever let go of things easily. I should jus live life as it is.... maybe thats what I'm gonna start tryin.... today......
May. 8th, 2005 @ 11:45 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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It's been an interestin night going to our-town carnival wit amber, liz and her friend angelina. I wasted a shit load of money, got a fish, a little whale thing, and a little piggy thing. Some of the rides were fun, I need the excitement to relieve some of the stress. But I don't really think it was worth the $15. I had funnel cake, I havent had any since the time my freshman year when i went to renaissance festival. Speakin of which, this sunday is my last day, after work im goin over there whether if i have so called 'friends' comin wit me or not.
ive been considerin quittin my job, im so tired of workin, and im really tired of the bullshit there, im almost done wit nightschool, and i jus gotta finish my shit for college, been accepted to FAU and UNF. I've made my decision to go to UNF, hopefully I can have that plan go through. These few monthes have been the most stressful monthes of my life. Losing the second girl Ive ever really liked in my life, it hurts so much. Worrying bout college. Have crazy ass workin hours at work, thank god the asshole finally gave me my raise. Whats sucks is I'm only gettin it now after I've most likely decided to quit. I'm lookin on the bright side at least, I've finally got my car. 1993 white Honda Civic CX Hatchback. It's a manual, so I also gotta learn how to drive it. I also got the insurance, title transfer and everything, I paid for it all by myself withoutn any help from parents. Next week I should be able to drive to school, have all the aspects of a senior.
I got ladder 49 this week, me and laura were comparing ladder 49 and the notebook, to me the notebook was a disappointment, jus another source of false hope in the world. Sellin to people that love conquers all, it doesn't. Reality does. But watchin ladder 49 actually made me cry. I havent cried since I lost michelle, and the time before that was when was I was 5. It felt so good though. Don't want to give out the endin for those of you guys readin this and havent watched the movie, but its pretty obvious that jack morrison dies at the end of the movie. How the story was portrayed and told was a great idea. But what made me cry was the fact that in the end the main character died, but that it was the fact that good people shouldnt ever have to die. ....
Mar. 12th, 2005 @ 01:15 am
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